Lissa & Nate - Our Fairytale

Lissa & Nate ~ Our Fairytale
marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other relationship. ~Russell M. Nelson

Sunday, January 10, 2010

About Good, Better, Best

Do you ever wonder if you want the things you want because others have them or if it's because it's what you really want? And if you do really want them, do you want it because it's what's best for you and what Heavenly Father wants for you or if you want it in-spite of what's best for you? And when trying to figure these types of things out do you ever talk yourself into circles so many times that you are so confused you don't think you'll ever figure it out? That is how I feel right now.

Nate and I have one kid. One cute, cuddly, funny, smart, happy, growing little boy that we absolutely adore. I had always thought I wanted somewhere between 5-7 kids but now I'm not so sure, which is not really what I'm confused about, I'm sure that will figure itself out when we get that far. I'm confused about when we should turn a family of 3 into a family of 4. It seems like for forever I was sure that I wanted my kids 2 years apart. When I had Bud I had to have a c-section so wanting to have my next baby vaginally means Bud has to be at least two years old before I give birth to the next. Nate and I planned early on after Bud was born to have the next baby in late spring of 2011. Sounds simple enough right?

Plans change and desires change and life changes which changes other plans, and this is where the circle talking begins. Now that Nate has changed his Major he will be starting his Masters (hopefully) immediately after his bachelors is done, as in he graduates in May of 2011 and starts his masters in May of 2011. If he gets into the school of choice his first semester of his masters will be 16 credits. To me that sounds like a lot. It also doesn't sound like a great time to have a new baby. Plus we will have to move within 6 months of him graduating. So we talked about planning for the baby to come between his last two semesters of his BFA. Sounds reasonable, but that means I would have to get pregnant in the next two months. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Part of me feels selfish but another part of me feels justified. When I got pregnant with Bud I gained 15 lbs in the first trimester. I got several talks from multiple people about how I shouldn't use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I want and let myself go. I don't think those people know what it's like to feel like you are starving all day long. Bud wanted to manifest himself as a boy VERY early and consequently I felt like I had a hollow leg and gained 15 lbs just trying to eat the hunger away. I still have not lost that weight and the idea of another pregnancy like that SCARES ME TO DEATH! I do not do well mentally or emotionally when I gain weight. That's the part that feels justified for not wanting to get pregnant yet. The part that feels selfish is that recently I have been working out, (fairly consistently) and I have started to notice a difference! Good news right? I haven't lost any weight, but I have lost inches and I'm loving it. No drastic changes can be seen but I feel encouraged to keep going. Doesn't sound selfish, it sounds healthy. But still I feel selfish focusing on my body so much that it sways me to not get pregnant at a time that might be best for my family. All I can think about is getting skinny again and in those moments I choose that over having another baby. Sometimes I would rather look good and have a hot body for my husband to admire.

That's not all though, the decision making gets even more clouded. Raise your hand if you've ever gotten baby hungry because every one around you is pregnant. Most girls reading this are probably guilty of it in even the slightest passing thoughts and moments of insanity. Dang those hormones! Right now two of my best friends are pregnant as well as two sisters (one of which is pregnant with 2). So I see them experiencing this together and I think oh how I want to experience it with someone! When I was pregnant I had 4 sisters all pregnant at the same time but they all lived so far away and I only saw one of them once during my pregnancy (well twice but I didn't know she was pregnant the first time). I went through it alone in that sense. It didn't break my heart, but I see my two friends experiencing this together and I think how fun would that be?! (almost as ridiculous as a bunch of 17 year-olds getting pregnant just to get pregnant at the same time as their friends, except I'm NOT 17, I'm married and it's not THAT ridiculous)

But wait ~ There's more!

On the flip side of that I have some family members that for whatever dumb reason think their daughter was nuts for having so many children, and think we are nuts for also having more than 1... maybe 2 children. And I don't mean nuts in a "gee I couldn't handle it but good for you" type of way, I mean nuts in a "what is wrong with you and why are your priorities so screwed up?" type of way. They just don't get it. I'm not ashamed, but that doesn't mean I want to have to deal with their disapproval of my righteous desires. I dread the idea of telling them #2 is on the way so much so that I had a dream (it was slightly weird although come to think of it not nearly as weird as others) where I was asked (or rather called) to adopt a baby. I was so concerned about not wanting to deal with them that I decided we would never tell them about the new baby and always have someone to babysit that kid when we visited them. Even lucid and conscious, this idea still remains an enticing solution to what will someday be reality. But anyway thinking along that particular line got me thinking what is the rush to have another kid so soon? Why not wait until Bud is 3 or 4 and Nate is completely done school?

So in case I've lost and confused you (I often confuse myself)~
  • Once Bud is 2 we can have a V-BAC and they won't be too close in age but will be close enough.
  • If we don't want to have a baby during Nate's masters I have to get pregnant NOW and my body is just too important and I just want to get skinny and be hot for my husband and I'm vain.
  • If we wait too long Nate will be swamped with school and it will be too hard and too much will be going on so we should get started soon.
  • If I get pregnant I will have to tell my family eventually and I just don't want to deal with that. (I'm still trying to talk Nate into the whole babysitting idea)
  • My sisters and friends are pregnant right now, maybe I should get pregnant too so we can be expecting buddies!
  • Truly, honestly and in all sincerity, what's the rush?
Those are the circles have been talking in lately. And perhaps some of you might laugh at me for saying this but, this is hard stuff to figure out!

I think one of the things that makes it hard is that when we first decided to start having children
it was definitely not a prompting I was waiting on or asking for, nor was I really thinking about it yet. It was inspiration from the spirit to start thinking and talking about it, and when we knew what we wanted and when we wanted it we prayed to know if it was the right time.

This time it feels like we are just using numbers and dates to figure it out. I'm not sure why. I was not swayed by anything to think about it, but since we got the ball rolling with #1, well, I don't really know what I expected to happen with figuring out the when for #2. It just seemed so much like something you put on a calendar; I'm sure it shouldn't be like that so why did I think it would be so easy?

Since I'm already thinking about it on my own this time perhaps I instead of figuring out WHEN AND THEN PRAYING I should be PRAYING TO KNOW WHEN?

I know having children is a righteous choice regardless.

Dallin H. Oaks gave an address once titled "Good, Better, Best".

He said, "As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all."

Having another child is good regardless, but for the reason above I don't just jump into because it is good. I want to do what is BEST for our family.

I would love to hear your own stories and experiences on this or similar type situations, or anytime when you've talked yourself into circles trying to figure out what is best.



  1. Don't worry about 15 lbs in the first trimester cause that's how I roll too. I feel so sick that I eat to calm my stomach. That equals weight gain!! My doctor doesn't say anything now...since it's the third time I think he knows that I know the drill. As for when to have another baby...Ethan and Karington are 2yr2months apart and I LOVE that age difference. Ethan did so well when K was born and didn't act up at all. The next will be 21 months apart (if everything goes well) which is closer than I'd like but oh well. I guess you have to just go by when it feels right. Phil and I both sort of felt that we'd have a third eventually (we were thinking of adopting way down the road) but I put that thought away and said no two is enough! Heavenly Father had other plans I guess! I am sure He has a plan for you and Nate too and when it's right it will happen regardless of plans!

  2. You know and I know there's only one who can answer this question, but I think the best place to ask is at the temple. It clears your thoughts and fills you with peace and your left with what feels right. But my thought for what it's worth is that myself and many of my friends around me is that they don't always come as planned. I've had one friend who got pregnant right off the bat and then the next took 2 years. I've had several who had 1 some even who had 3 and then had miscarriages. I know from my experience I felt like we waited kind of a long time to try and then had 2 miscarriages over a span of a year and one of the hardest parts was I kept wishing I hadn't waited so long to try. I get the wanting to get in shape, I've had that same motivation lately. Also know every pregnancy is diff. The first time I got pregnant I was like you, nothing filled the hole, but then other's were not like that at all. Sometimes Heavenly Father just wants you to make the decision and he'll either follow up with a yes that's what you should be doing or no this isn't the best time. Anyway sorry if I just gave you a new circle and that this is so long, but mostly just go to the temple:)

  3. Hmmm. . .well, I have the opposite problem. After my first one, I didn't see much reason to wait (I don't like big gaps between kids), so if I'd had my druthers, Kylie would be more than a year older and we'd already have a fourth baby. I don't struggle with that very often with babies, but boy do I with EVERYTHING else. And I mean everything. Having the humility to trust the Lord's timing is not my strong point. I understand being wary of G&G and Doug and I used to care more than we do now. But have confidence that you're making the right decision for the right reasons and resist the temptation to ever justify yourself to them, and your confidence will grow. Consequently, though your love for them won't diminish, how much you care about their opinions will. It'll take time but be faithful and you'll get there. Get to the temple.

  4. sorry I thought I might mention although things didn't work out on my timeline I now know it was for the best. And dido Rebecca.

  5. You already know what I think and how I went through it with #2, so all I can say is good luck to you. I hope it works out in a way you can handle easily (cause it WILL work out the way it's supposed to).

    When the peace is there, you'll recognize it.

  6. Thanks guys. I appreciate all your insight and thoughts. I love the reminder of the temple. I was in the temple when I got that first push to start getting ready for Clark. I need to go back.

  7. Well I totally understand all of our thoughts and feelings. As you now Jackson and Phillip were never planed they just happened and I don't regret any of it. I guys the whole body thing I just got over and relized that my body will always gain allot of weight when I'm pregnant, so I figure I might as well get the kid thing over with and then have the rest of my life to get my body back in shape. No it may not be the healthiest but I now my body and it doesn't loose weight easy. With the planning thing you now that Ruby has been the only one planned and I didn't expect to get pregnant soon as I did. So over all I think that you should just pray about it often and I think that you will no what will be right for you. I'm going through the same kind of thing right now, because I feel like we should get pregnant now. But for some reason I just no that now is not the right time and that we should wait until the summer when Joseph will be our of school, have a new job, and hopefully be in a home be then. So keep your chin up and I know you will be prompted on what is the right thing to do for your family. And don't forget we could still be pregnant buddies in the summer of 2010 if that the right prompting for you. :)

  8. did I not know this was here???

  9. Hi. I got to you from your peek at Visible Voice. And I TOTALLY get your circles! We have 3 adorable little boys. 3 years difference between them due to miscarriages and a little bit of planning with #3. All 3 were early babies and the last two spent over a week in the NICU. And every pregnancy gets a little more complicated (nothing earth shattering - gestational diabetes, hear murmurs...annoying stuff like that). After #3 we were SURE that we were done. #3 will be a year old next month and now I'm starting to think that maybe there is a #4 to come. And I have all the same selfish thoughts... I'm just starting to lose the baby weight and get back to my 'normal' self...I'm already sooooo sleep deprived....the list goes on and on.
    The only advice I have is take it to the Lord -pray, fast and if you can go to the temple. But be ready to act on the answer.
    I'm not ready to act yet so I'm not asking quite yet.
    Good luck!

  10. Thanks so much guys! Everyone's insight helped so much and I'm not driving myself crazy anymore hopefully I can keep this new perspective:)

  11. Weird....this is the EXACT same issue we're going through with #3. We even made a pro/con list, haha! It can be a tough decision if it's not clear what the Lord wants. We're a lot alike in this....over analyzing/planning everything, haha!!
    So my verdict?? I got my IUD out last week!!!!

  12. I totally know what you mean!! Matt and i felt like Kalianna came at just the right time. But now we found out he still has 3 YEARS of school left! So as much as we wanted him to be graduated before our next baby came, we don't want our kids to be that far apart! Its tough, I know! I don't really have any advice, but good luck with this very difficult choice!

  13. Ok my 2 cents on this topic... we have 3 kids and none of them were "planned" our first daughter we tried for over a year to get pregnant, we just felt it was time... # 2 at almost 2 years from our first I really wanted a baby, probably for a lot of body didn't feel like working properly and we used medicine to get it to work and got pregnant and then miscarried...And while in the process of wondering where to go from there I felt Very ill and found out that I was pregnant again! Not planned, it put our son being born in the thick of Finals in the second year of Dental school, AKA about as bad as it can get! Second year is pretty much 'ell. And granted it was Hard, but we made it, and then when he was just over one, and I was just feeling great losing weight, (i gained a lot and never lost it from #1) my daughter started praying for a baby sister... ahha no way not now... but low and behold we got pregnant unplanned and #3 was due Dec. 24th! Come on you know we didn't plan that! Senior year! So that too was Work, my hubby was out of town a lot then interviewing for residency programs, and she came the 23rd, and my husband took his board exams 3 full days worth the day after Christmas! So I guess my though on the subject is, you and your husband talk to God, don't worry about the rest because he will really carry you through whatever challenge the timing brings...And as to your body, if you get skinny and hot you will get pregnant anyway because no husband will just sit back and admire for long! :O) At least that is what my husband says!
    and one last thought I am an only child, my Family thinks I am NUTS, they always ask me if we are done, and really mean Please be done.. like they are the ones who are changing poopy diapers...I just blow it off and keep telling them they will have to wait and see! But they love all my kids and I am sure they will love anymore we bring home too!
    Good luck!


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